Long Time, No.....Time

[this has been a draft for ages...but I'm never going to finish the way I wanted. whatever; if you feel like reading, go for it.]

Surprisingly, I've spent about three weeks of the past couple months on "vacation." Of course, two different trips; two lessons to be learned - these two trips happened to have some very stark and startling differences.
On my spring break from college, I went to Montreal with my two best friends in New York. For the most part, it was amazing - basically, I would gone just for the train ride alone - 10 hours each way, many of which I had my nose glued to the window marvelling at how gorgeous this country is. On the way there, I saw ice fishing; on the way back, everything had melted to reveal gorgeous rivers and waterfalls. More importantly, I had a very important conversation with my friends on the way back which, to make a long story short, eased a lot of the tension between us over what was going to happen to our relationships after I'm in Israel, and beyond; why I would make that decision in the first place; where my "crazy secular friends" are going to fit into my life once iy"H I'm married, etc. Basically, it was an important lesson for me, because I learned that as frustrated and trapped as I've felt in my environment, as much as I've felt that my non-religious friends cannot and will not ever understand what I'm going through, they've been thinking about it just as frequently: worrying about me, wondering what I'm thinking, where my decisions are coming from. I learned that one of these friends - who was my old roommate - has experienced much anger, hurt, and overall suffering that I was ignorant of because she thought I was just going to flee the country, abandon my education and her. I was crushed, but realized that I have the best and most caring friends in the world to talk to me about every possible way that we could make it so that we can and will remain as close as we are now, so that I won't feel devastated every second I'm in this anti-Torah environment, so that we can talk openly about absolutely every issue we might have. We joke that we're in a polygamous marriage.
It also led me to the decision that it would be cowardly of me to, essentially, follow through with my original plan to take the year off and go to Israel. Because I know I wouldn't come back. And at this point in the game, I just can't take off; I need to go to Israel, but I need to show mysel f and the people around me that I am neither irresponsible nor reckless. [TB continued]