I guess I've been missing the point.
Sorry I haven't posted in ages. Unfortunately, I'm going to greet you with a slight self-debasing rant.
So basically, my self-esteem is someone shattered at the present moment due to a revelation (don't ask me why it took so long) that I have been completely misusing my time. (Obligatory background info: I'm a baalas teshuvah, but haven't quite solidified my place in an orthodox community because everyone I know and continue to meet is not frum, and I haven't quite found a synogogue or other such place where I've made a lot of frum friends. Blah blah blah.)
My family is fairly unsupportive of my observance, and my friends tolerate it but treat it like some strange quirky behavior or novelty - as if I only wear skirts and don't pick up my phone on Fridays in the same way that a child might decide to only wear pink and not want to go to school on Tuesdays. Basically, no one really gets it, but we've made our peace with each other, and I'm hoping to get to Israel to study soon so that I can learn from someone in real life and not just out of seforim, and be around other people who actually (gasp) know where I'm coming from and share my beliefs.
In the meantime, I continue to stick to my convictions. It's been really, really hard and at times, painful and lonely - I'm embarrassed to say that I have eaten many Shabbos dinners alone, either away at school or if I'm with my family, while they watch TV in the next room. In day-to-day life, I am alone - no one in my life really understands why I do the things I do. Strong girl, right? Manages to keep doing what she believes in even though she's completely isolated from anyone who agrees?
Not quite. Right now, I'm feeling like a complete and total failure - not just because I haven't yet "broken in" to the frum world (despite staring at obviously frum people on the subway and even in synogogue wishing we were friends) but because I haven't even had a positive influence on the people I love since becoming frum! My religiousness has benefited only myself; I haven't managed to uplift anyone around me - I've only made them scoff and assume that I was hit over the head with a sledgehammer by a religious cult-leader.
I don't know why this is - its not like I haven't tried. But the truth is, every time I go to articulate anything related to Torah or my spiritual life, words fail me - in part because I fear the inevitable judgment which will result. So instead of my being a positive Torah influence on my friends and family, my religiousness has become just a weird "thing I do," as opposed to the very obvious negative influence some friends have had on me, even as I became religious. The negative, counter-Torah influences are triumphing over my potential to teach others what I know. And that's why we are supposed to learn, isn't it? In order to teach?
So what's my purpose, as I hover between worlds? I'm not doing anything for anyone. In essence, I suck - but I've failed to realize it until now because I was so shamefully focused on the fact that I was growing and developing spiritually, albeit in a degree of isolation.
Did I mention I've been wasting my time?
posted by Jessica @ 9:47 AM
6 Comments:
Yay I am first. I am sorry this is so hard for you. It is amazing what you have done. You cannot be to blame that you haven't been part of the frum community because afterall how can you do this alone and figure this out alone you can't you need help. Please email me because maybe I could hook you up with people I know lots of ppl. Just email me and we can talk. Email address is on the blog. Please really I would love to help or maybe you can come for shabbos.
You have Not failed. Eventhough you feel that you have not been influencial to others, at least you have grown yourself and that's important too.
You are being unnecessary unfair I think.
Many instances have shown that a frum person influences a non-religious friends just by being it.
Years from now one of the people you know may get interested in authentic Judaism and you may very well have been the one to light the very first almost invisible spark.
And it's completely wrong to assume your being religious benefits only yourself.
Every time you are ridiculed but stick to your beliefs, every time you are tempted but overcome you are of help and a credit to the every Jew in the world.
i have no idea where this is coming from, but you are way off! where did you get this idea that its your job to be teaching and influencing anyone? first of all like prag said, we beleive in teaching through observation - that means people around you will learn by watching you. every time your an ethical, pleasant, happy person, poeple around you will learn about torah - they will learn that torah teaches poeple to be ethical, pleasant and happy! your job is not to teach them about shabbos and kosher - if youre living such a secluded jewish life and have not had any SERIOUS learning, dont even tRY to teach anyone anything, i guarantee you, you will do more damage than good. i have been with baalei teshuvas (including myself) way too long, and i know all the damage thats done from knowing a drop and teaching a drop of that drop.. trust me - let the pro's take care of it. all you need to be concerned with is your personal growth and presenting a happy growing person that will inspire others.
and no.. it never works on our time schedulem, it may take years!
your main priority right now is strengthening yourself, finding frum friends, or rabbis or whoever can help you stay strong and grow stronger and going to israel to learn. first of all every positive act you do has a cosmic effect, way beyond your "selfish" growth, it affects the entire world. aside from that, every time you act the way a torah jew should, others around you get the message.
sure popele around you think youre weird, its rare to find someone who has meaning in her life, who takes her convictions seriously, who doesnt get caught up in the crazyness of the world, who detaches herself to do her own thing, whos happy, whos kind, whos ethical..
it IS weird..
but keep doing what your doing, growing, being a happy jew, and eventually poele will stop thinking its weird, and start envying you - trust me!
please email me!
Jessica - You should NEVER have to be alone for Shabbos. As someone living on my own in New York, and needing to find a place for myself every week, I have a LOT of contacts - who would LOVE to have you! (In fact, the people I'm going to this week can have you also...if you're willing to try out Brooklyn!)
Please email me: frumactress at gmail...
I'll echo TRW's comment--you should never have to be alone for a Shabbos in NYC! I'm in the area, and if I can't have you myself, I'm sure I know people you could go to for Shabbos. My email is scraps + my blog name (no spaces or dots in between) at gmail. I hope I'll hear from you!
I'll also agree with those who have said you're giving yourself too hard a time. Especially when you're not feeling like you're a part of a community, it's really hard to have any sort of influence over anyone's attitudes or behavior. I don't think you're selfish for putting your own spirituality first. You need to have solid ground beneath you, send your roots down deep before you can branch out.
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