Jewish things

When people ask me why I became frum, I can never give a satisfactory answer. If I say its because of all the seforim I read that "convinced me" or "showed me the truth" of Torah, people assume that I'm not realistic or can't make my own decisions, that I'm basing my life on how someone else is telling me to act in order to be a "good person" or live a meaningful life. If I say its because I found value in the lifestyle, I'm an escapist, turning to an antiquated and isolating way of life to avoid the difficulties of the contemporary world. And if I say its because of G-d, they dismiss me as someone who has heart and good intentions but who lives in a fairy tale. G-d Himself would never require a lifestyle like the one I've chosen; and bible critics have proved that He did not give the Torah. My awareness of His existence is commendable but not linked to any practice other than prayer. I'm frum because someone ("the rabbis," "cult-leaders," etc.) tell me to.
I've always lamented the fact that I cannot answer the question of why I'm frum in a way that people will hear or understand. I want to say something inspiring so that they might also see the value in being observant, but so much of the time I am overcome by feelings of being judged. And the truth is, I've judged and questioned myself so many times that I once I was able to get past most of my doubts and be truly comfortable with where I am, I don't want to owe anyone else an explanation. When I go out for coffee with friends, I'm not expecting one of them to launch me into a fierce debate in which I have to defend the authenticity of Torah against a bunch of atheists. And when I was in their position, there was nothing anyone could have said to me that I wouldn't have scoffed at. It took years of learning and backtracking, re-examining and careful consideration for me to be in the place I am today; I have a hard time imagining that there is anything I could say that would reach them.
These are not excuses, I know. When I talk about Torah and my voice lacks confidence, I'm giving people the impression that I am not sure of what I believe. I know I need to try harder to answer others' questions in the best way possible, I'm just still not sure of what that is.

Chagim, Shmagim

Simchat Torah was AMAZING. It rejuvinated me just the way I needed, baruch Hashem...First there was dancing and hakafot at my university (which, as I've said, has a huge frum community) which was wonderful because none of the hostility I've felt at Shabbos services was there at all - it was just an incredibly joyful celebration of Torah. And my non-religious friends also LOVE this particular chag because of all the excitement that takes place in Manhattan. I think what I really loved about it was that for once, we were all on the same level; there were no miscommunications or fractions or debates. We were just Jews, strangers and friends alike, celebrating together. Needless to say, the "synogogue-hopping" which occurred after we left campus was equally successful. I even got to dance with the Torah on the women's side at one of the shuls - which was perhaps one of the most powerful things I've ever done. The last time I was "up-close-and-personal" with a Torah was when I read from it at my [Conservative] bat mitzvah...and now, with my love and understanding of Torah infinitely greater since becoming religious, I felt like I had made a full-circle - from an academically-minded child reading from an ancient text she doesn't recognize or quite understand, to a grown human being who has seen the truth in tradition and returned to celebrating Hashem the way Jews have for thousands of years. In a way, to touch the Torah again seemed to symbolize my journey as a baalas teshuvah.

(Sorry for the poor writing, I was rushed and just wanted to give a little follow-up.)

Let's get out of here.

So basically I feel like my time at college is coming to a close very quickly - not because I'm being told to go anywhere, but because I am getting very, very tired of being observant alone and want to be a part of a frum community and meet people, meaning go to seminary in Israel for a while and get my Jewish life started - no matter how scary it seems and if I don't know a single person there. I'll be able to go next September - I know, too far. I am probably going to end up at Neve Yerushalayim, which everyone has told me is great for baalei teshuvot/girls who are older than 17. Does anyone have any other suggestions for places that I should apply?
I hope everyone's simchas torah is absolutely amazing and full of joy...and lots of dancing!

So it's been a shamefully long time since you've heard from me. My life is, once again, busier than ever, which I adore, because being that I'm a person who will push laziness to the limit and then get eaten alive with guilt, I love that I don't even have a choice - its just impossible for a college student in Manhattan to sit around doing nothing (at least, it is for me - except on Shabbos). The campus and the city is always pulsing with life, and its contagious. In school and outside, my eyes are forever widened by the wide breadth of life that I'm being exposed to, and it's so easy to see how every single experience I'm having is helping me grow as a person. I'm so lucky to be doing what I'm doing.
To top it all off, I now have an amazing editorial internship - and I'm actually writing stuff, not just fetching coffee for the real employees. So even though I now walk in the door on Fridays seconds before Shabbos starts and don't even have time to shower, after running through three subway stations at rush hour (which, if you've never experienced, is like Armageddon), its worth it, because my jam-packed week is, as one of my suitemates puts it, "pretty freaking RAD."
Nevertheless, the big hole where an orthodox community should be is still vacant and gaping. I still get frustrated when something really cool is happening on a Friday night after dinner and my friends call out to me (reading on the couch) as the elevator closes, "Goodbye our little Shabbos queen, we love you, you're holier than us!" (Yeah, they actually talk like that.) While its miraculous in itself that I have a group of friends who aren't frum but are so amazingly supportive, who have basically reconfigured large parts of their lives so that we can hang out together all the time and I won't have any issues of kosher, shabbos, etc, I just wish I could share it with them. And that part isn't changing. And, I'm getting more and more terrified of leaving this life for Israel next year.

Okay, and there's one huge part of my life that I can't say explicitly on here for privacy reasons, but its more burdensome than the community issue. So I'll just give you the gist, even though you're going to wonder why on earth this is the case and why I can't get out of it: for several hours a week I am forced to listen to several of the "brightest thinkers" in theology today tell me exactly why the Torah can't be real, and why, in essence, Hashem doesn't exist. Of course, I don't believe them, but the fact that I have to listen and struggle with it, and the fact that they ARE knowledgeable and convincing because they have devoted their whole lives to these ideas - its intolerable, and I'm not going to pretend that its not planting ideas and doubts in my head that I wish weren't there.
But in the long run, I really am grateful (?) that I'm going through all this. Because if and when I come out of it stronger than ever in my beliefs, I will have, first of all, exhausted every possible theological crisis or doubt in my mind, and second of all, know fully that my becoming religious comes 100% from a true and honest place in my heart, rather than a "weakness" or "needing to depend on a system or community to think for me," as I've heard before.
Is this wrong? How can I expect and hope that I will surpass this, when I've seen so many others fail to hold on to their Judaism, and the temptations are so strong?
I know that there will never be another way of life other than Torah which could satisfy me. I just feel so distant from the pure emunah I once had sometimes...I'm trying so hard not to let my environment, with so much good and bad in it, leave me "jaded."

I'm sorry. I really didn't meant to write another post like this, especially after so long....Blah.