Being that its my last week with my family at home before I go back to school, and I’m an extremely sentimental/nostalgic person, I’ve been trying to squeeze in as much “childhood” stuff as I can – from watching my favorite old movies, getting in some piano-playing and drawing (the two hobbies I’m always least likely to keep up at school), and of course, seeing my family and friends. I even had my best friend over the other night, and she ended up turning on a home video of the two of us and her little brother goofing around when we were about two. We realized that as children, we were both surprisingly adorable and articulate, and yet the dynamic between us as friends hasn’t changed much since then. I thought I had found a new friend in nostalgia with home videos…
But yesterday, I somehow ended up watching the video of my Bat Mitzvah party. (Keep reading, folks; I know you're already thinking, "WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO THAT?") And yes, I was awkward and not the best dancer. But the saddest thing about it for me was that I think it might remain the biggest celebration of my life, and I didn't even fully appreciate it.
Everyone told me, "the only party as big as this will be your wedding." And no, the size of the party is not my greatest concern. But the truth is, I don't think my wedding could possibly be anything like my Bat Mitzvah. At my Bat Mitzvah, all of my non-Jewish friends, some of my BEST friends growing up, were welcome and, for the most part, had been to other bat mitzvahs, knew the drill and what it was about. And my family was the same. But if and when, with Hashem's help, I marry a religious man, my parents, the rest of my family (aside from my beloved grandmothers and aunt, who have passed on), and all of my friends - well, unless a miracle occurs, they will not fully approve. I have friends who don't even realize that I keep shabbos - or know what it means. How on EARTH would they feel about separate dancing for men and women? And my family has already said - in not so many words - that they wouldn't even want to throw a fully frum wedding. They just don't get it. No one in my life will "get it," and therefore I don't think I could have a wedding with true nachas. Which makes me sad.
I'm sure that its not right of me to predetermine that I will get married and my family and friends will be miserable about it. If I find my bashert to begin with, I think the idea of a big Jewish wedding won't really matter that much. But my family always will, which is why I'd like them to experience and understand the holiness and joy of a frum wedding, without having to feel all the animosity that they do about my being observant and someday "giving me away to some strange guy with a beard."
Well, at least I have the Bat Mitzvah video. My whole family, dancing awkwardly. Available to watch forever and ever.