I think my expressiveness is slowly depleting. Tonight was one of the worst I’ve had in a long time, cumulating with my mother, more intoxicated than I've ever seen her, stumbling down the hallway - telling me that I “screw her over every chance I get.” I could normally write about the last clause of that sentence alone for ten pages, but tonight it seems I’ve got nothing. (And I'm sure it would be major lashon hora.)
I’m sorry to share such a graphic image. I really hate to air out my dirty laundry to the unsuspecting stranger. But you know - we baalas teshuvah girls tend to have colorful backgrounds...
And yet, my worst fear is that somewhere down the line, the instability of my family will resurface in me.
I guess only Hashem can prevent that. It's just scary to fear - well, yourself. And what might happen to you if you lose control. Because I know that my mother is not really like that. She would rather die than let me see her behave like she did tonight. She's done things that most people would never look at her again for, and yet my family sees through to her soul enough to forgive her. But my question is, who IS that that I'm talking to on those days when I force myself to believe that its not my real mother I'm speaking to? What force is it that makes her do such hurtful things? And will it someday consume me, too?
I often look at her and see a stranger. But what disturbs me most is that I know she looks in the mirror and feels the exact same way.